Jim Sutton

Learn4Life: Courageous Conversations. “Concern Branch” Expansion on Map

jimsutton — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 17:11:30 +0000

Post inspiration: The Jan 2010 Compass Coaching Map I choose was Create Courageous Conversations. So, I decided to blog about it during the month and through the rest of Q1. This map (not the mind map) was developed by Margie Warrell and Soni Pitts.

I have been expanding a mind map on the 8 listening startegies discussed in the Courageous Conversations program. I added 2 relevant blog posts to the “Concerns” branch. They are titled “The two most important roles in communication.” and ”Are you listening? Can you pass the test?” To follow the links in the map click on the world icon. Both of these post come from Kim Leatherdale’s excellent Creating Rewarding Relationships blog.

You can see the map here.

Do you know any other good blog posts on the topic of listening for concerns?

Learn4Life: Create Courageous Conversations 17-20 (linkes to 1-16 in that post)

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My plug for Compass and Kristy my Coach:

Kristi Arndt, PhD, IAC-CC
Compass Presidential Ambassador & Founding Team Coach
kristiarndt@yahoo.com
Experience the Gift of Compass
www.ilovecompass.com
Affordable Life Coaching Programs
www.compassclient.com
Rewarding Business Opportunity
www.compassrep.com

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Jim Sutton
Facilitating Performance Improvement in the digital age
Virtual World LightHouse
Web 2.0 Community & Business
About Me Page

Learn4Life: Courageous Conversations. Get their number

jimsutton — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 11:05:27 +0000

Get the other person’s number BEFORE meeting with them.

I am viewing a DVD presentation on dealing with difficult people and something they said struck me.

If you want to call someone you need the number. It has to be 10 digits: 9 or 11 will not work. They have to be the right numbers in the right order. His point was that if we prepared for our encounters with our “difficult people” as well as we do making a phone call things would go better.

I made a mind map with the 8 listening strategy points for visual people like myself. You can see the map here.

Learn4Life: Create Courageous Conversations 17-20 (linkes to 1-16 in that post)

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My plug for Compass and Kristy my Coach:

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Jim Sutton
Facilitating understanding in the digital age
Virtual World LightHouse
Web 2.0 Community & Business
About Me Page

Learn4Life: Courageous Conversations. Promise Yourself #2

jimsutton — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 14:24:33 +0000

I decided to continue this idea from Promise yourself #1.

I made a mind map with the 8 listening strategy points for you other visual people. You can see the map here.

What got me thinking about this further was a blog post from a friend about his website going down and how they had not read the fine print about supposed back-up. You can read more detail here. What got me thinking after my last post was this statement: “Lesson learned, don’t always believe them when they say back-up and mirrored site, read the fine print. I think you will be surprised…we were!” I just read my friend Kim’s blog post on Lying and it struck me that if you are concerned about the concerns (see blog post on listening for concerns ) of others, as a business or father or coworker you simply cannot leave people with a false impression of what you are going to do. Even if you are fully covered in the really really fine print.

The connection to courageous conversations is that I need to think ahead to the concerns people are going to have.

The image is from this blog post http://juditheglaser.blogspot.com/2009/10/can-i-trust-you.html . A good read, and it covers 5 questions you need to address when you plan and have a conversation with another.

Learn4Life: Create Courageous Conversations 17-20 (linkes to 1-16 in that post)

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My plug for Compass and Kristy my Coach:

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Jim Sutton
Facilitating understanding in the digital age
Virtual World LightHouse
Web 2.0 Community & Business
About Me Page

Learn4Life: Courageous Conversations. Promise Yourself

jimsutton — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 14:02:48 +0000

Have you noticed that people usually consider themselves the least important individual with whom to honor a promise? This is the first line in a blog post by Howard Sambol ( @FreedomCoach) You can read the rest of the post here: Making and Keeping Promises to Yourself

Do you keep promises to yourself?

If not, why not?

If you cannot trust you, should others?

When you decide to have that conversation, will you keep the promise to yourself?

Learn4Life: Create Courageous Conversations 17-20 (linkes to 1-16 in that post)

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My plug for Compass and Kristy my Coach:

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Jim Sutton
Facilitating understanding in the digital age
Virtual World LightHouse
Web 2.0 Community & Business
About Me Page

Learn4Life:LISTENING Strategy#3 Facts

jimsutton — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 11:56:30 +0000

The listening Strategy Rating has 8 statements for you to rate your listening skills.

#3 Build on the pool of facts- if a person leaves out an important piece of information, ask about it.

Rate yourself on the above question: 1-2-3-4-5

Seth Godin’s blog post Modern procrastination makes the point that busy work is a way of not doing anything. The fear used to be physical labor. Now, ” Instead, it has to do with avoiding difficult (and apparently risky) intellectual labor.”

Fishing for facts is intellectual, and challenging. Situations may be uncovered that require listening skills. More facts to ask people about. There is risk. Checking Twitter and email is simpler, and you are busy.

Finding the courage to have courageous conversations. FOCUS ON THE BENEFITS FIRST. Brad Federman @bfederman Suggests in his book Employee Engagement that we should focus on the benefits before the risks. What is the benefit of listening carefully? What is the benefit of preparing for a conversation, making a list of questions and facts that need to be discussed? What is the benefit of resolving this issue? It may be challenging and risky but if it can resolve a family issue that if NOT resolved will be repeated each day for the next 90 days and beyond. Think of eliminating 120 repeats and focus on the facts that are missing. See the monkey putting down her Blackberry and doing some fact fishing.

Memory Peg: Three is a Tree. Because I am using my left thumb, I picture my thumb as a tree. Thumb = tree with a monkey in it. I am looking the monkey in the eye to understand her. (not making excused or criticizing). The monkey, I find it concerned about burning her buns on the beach. Or burning her buns in the kitchen. Well, we have a bun (concerns), zoo (understanding), and now tree (facts). I see the monkey with a fishing pole fishing for facts.

Links to other Strategies:

LISTENING Strategy #1 Concerns

#1 Listen for and be thoughtful about the underlying concerns of the person you are listening to.

http://jimsutton.naiwe.com/2010/02/04/learn4life-listening-strategy-1-concerns

LISTENING Strategy #2 Understanding

#2 Speak only to deepen your understanding, not to defend or criticize.

Learn4Life: Create Courageous Conversations 17-20 (linkes to 1-16 in that post)

Comment Suggestions:

-Agree or disagree: Do people really avoid mental tasks with twitter?

- What are you tips for getting to the facts?

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My plug for Compass and Kristy my Coach:

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Jim Sutton
Facilitating understanding in the digital age
Virtual World LightHouse
Web 2.0 Community & Business
About Me Page

Learn4Life:LISTENING Strategy#2 Understand

jimsutton — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 11:34:11 +0000

The listening Strategy Rating has 8 statements for you to rate your listening skills.

#2 Speak only to deepen your understanding, not to defend or criticize.

Rate yourself on the above question: 1-2-3-4-5

Look at the picture below. It is how some relate to other people: I have my beliefs and a mote around them. I am right. You are wrong.

This really does not do much beyond putting an emotional mote between you and others as real as the mote around a castle. My friend Kim Leatherdale wrote a blog post addressing understanding ina conversation. She said, “…truly put yourself at the other person’s service when you listen. Focus on them, what they are expressing, and what they need. Practice paraphrasing to make sure you understood correctly. Move toward repair with each interaction.” You can read the post Do you hear what I hear? Understanding.

Let down the drawbridge by being curious. Walk out and see what concerns others. Visit Kim Leatherdale’s blog post for more useful suggestions: Relationship Resolution #6- Be Curious rather than Confrontative

My friend Laura Sherman in a blog post titled The importance of research makes the point that writers need to do their research to do good writing. As I read it I thought, “It is exactly the same with understanding another person: we have to do good research to do good listening.” You need to ask them questions. Verify understanding and generally turn over the big rocks in the area

Memory Peg: Two is a zoo. Because I am using my left thumb, I picture a monkey on my thumb (use your imagination to move the monkey to the left thumb) and we look into each others eyes and I think, “I can understand you.” She thinks, “Bozo.” You could use zoo map or a picture of some animals . The key is to connect UNDERSTANDING to your picture so you can remember one is a bun (concerns) and two is a zoo (understanding) and each time the picture associated with each pulls the information from your memory instantly. And it is fun.

Links to other Strategies:

LISTENING Strategy #1 Concerns

Learn4Life: Create Courageous Conversations 17-20 (linkes to 1-16 in that post)

Comment Suggestions:

-Do you have a tip for getting to understanding quicker?

-In really emotional situations, what is the best questions to ask to get to understanding?

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My plug for Compass and Kristy my Coach:

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Jim Sutton
Facilitating understanding in the digital age
Virtual World LightHouse
Web 2.0 Community & Business
About Me Page

Learn4Life: Courageous Conversations. Benefits Expand Courage.

jimsutton — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 11:25:59 +0000

Finding the courage to have courageous conversations.

FOCUS ON THE BENEFITS FIRST.

Brad Federman @bfederman Suggests in his book Employee Engagement that we should focus on the benefits before the risks.

What is the benefit of listening carefully?

What is the benefit of preparing for a conversation, making a list of questions and facts that need to be discussed?

What is the benefit of resolving this issue?

It may be challenging and risky but if it can resolve an issue that if NOT resolved will be repeated each day for the next 120 days and beyond you have scored BIG. Think of eliminating 120 repeats of the problem and focus on the facts that are missing.

Make a short plan then have that conversation:

Example:

What is my objective? share my view of the situation and ask for a suggestion on how improve the misunderstandings.

Who do you need to talk to? Name of person, group, etc. Something about them: for instance: You know they are not analytical, more a people person, not prone to keeping schedules.

What approach will you use? Keep it very simple. Put a follow-up plan in place the that takes into account this person’s style.

Learn4Life: Create Courageous Conversations 17-20 (linkes to 1-16 in that post)

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My plug for Compass and Kristy my Coach:

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Jim Sutton
Facilitating understanding in the digital age
Virtual World LightHouse
Web 2.0 Community & Business
About Me Page

Learn4Life: LISTENING Strategy #1 Concerns

jimsutton — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 11:48:21 +0000

Post inspiration: The Jan 2010 Compass Coaching Map I choose was Create Courageous Conversations. So, I decided to blog about it in Q1. This map was developed by Margie Warrell and Soni Pitts.

The listening Strategy Rating has 8 statements for you to rate your listening skills.

#1 Listen for and be thoughtful about the underlying concerns of the person you are listening to.

Rate yourself on the above question: 1-2-3-4-5

Today when you are listening to someone, consider what they are concerned with at this moment.

Money or meaning?
Family / Fun or combining both?
Health or Headlines?
Wealth or wonder?
Teens or Toddlers?
Curious about colors or cranes?

Once again Kim Leatherdale has a blog post that ties in with the topic.

Relational Resolution #4- Avoid Battles Over “Truth” The

The take-away line is: This week’s resolution, and your courageous work is to stop trying to prove yourself right, and have a discussion. A discussion is about give and take, respecting what the other person has to say even if you don’t agree, and connecting.

Memory peg: one is a bun. So, associate it with a bun. Are you concerned about over toasted buns?

Does your concern trend more toward sunburned buns? Do you think of BUNny rabbits? Fun with buns. Whatever works for you. When you think of one, think of bun, then your image and how you connect concern to it. For me, I think of my left thumb and courageous listening conversations, so I visualize a very hot bun on my thumb: my concern is being burned. I am also concerned that people may call me bunny. Whatever works. Many times the more foolish the better for memory hooks. You don’t need to tell anyone.

Comment Suggestions:

-Agree or disagree: This not apply to parents or senior managers. These people simply tell kids or employees what to do.

- Do you have tips to tune into another’s concerns for people who have focused on this in the past?

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My plug for Compass and Kristy my Coach:

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Jim Sutton
Facilitating understanding in the digital age
Virtual World LightHouse
Web 2.0 Community & Business
About Me Page

Learn4Life:Listening is for CEOs too

jimsutton — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 11:06:23 +0000

The chart below shows that employees feel that CEO’s need to listen more than anything else listed according to 62% of the employees asked. Enough said.

Families have leaders also. I propose that listening is just as critical for the success of a family as it is for a business. If a survey were given to your children with you being the CEO of the family, how would it turn out? Would your listening skill be lacking or marked as outstanding?

Of these 4 leadership sins, what’s the worst one a CEO can commit?

Failing to listen. 62.01%

Failing to set goals intelligently. 14.09%

Unwillingness to try new things. 13.87%

Failing to delegate effectively. 10.03%

The wisdom of listening: Results of this week’s poll question could speak for all time. By an impressive majority, SmartBrief on Leadership readers have indicated that not listening is the worst leadership sin, with others falling far behind. A deaf ear is an ancient fault of leaders, and in the age of hands-on, active management, listening seems so passive. Perhaps Dr. M. Scott Peck (”The Road Less Traveled”) understood the reason: “You cannot truly listen to anyone and do anything else at the same time.” –Eva Schmatz, president, Summus Limited

What are your tips for partents to be better listeners? Share them in the comments.

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Jim Sutton
Facilitating understanding in the digital age
Virtual World LightHouse
Web 2.0 Community & Business
About Me Page

Learn4Life: 80/20 Courageous LISTENING Conversations

jimsutton — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 11:06:13 +0000

Post inspiration: The Jan 2010 Compass Coaching Map I choose was Create Courageous Conversations. So, I decided to blog about it during the month. This map was developed by Margie Warrell and Soni Pitts.

As I was reading day 12 sparked a thought.

Day 12 The meaning of communications is not defined by what is being said, but by what is being heard.

The 80/20 rule came to mind. The idea is listening is conversation: 80% of it. I have heard over and over that you measure your communication success by how much the other person understands.

I am using “I have courageous listening conversations.” to remind myself to stop explaining and listen for the other person’s story.

Risks: There will be 60% silence as both only talk a combined 40%. We tend to stuff the conversation space SO full, this may be a better approach. There are enough communication errors to suggest doing a pilot on a new approach could yield valuable information.

Limitations: I cannot think of a real one. The fear that keeps me talking is that I will miss the opportunity to say something. However, after thinking about it, talking without aiming (listening gives you the targeting data) tends to produce a lot of misses: miss-communications.

Comment Suggestions:

-Agree or disagree: There is no risk in listening more?

- Most people say they want to listen better. Any tips on how to move from saying to doing?

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My plug for Compass and Kristy my Coach:

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Jim Sutton
Facilitating understanding in the digital age
Virtual World LightHouse
Web 2.0 Community & Business
About Me Page