Jim Sutton » CourageousConversations

Learn4Life: Courageous Conversations: Over-Train Yourself!

jimsutton — Wed, 05 May 2010 21:06:58 +0000

“Our behaviors, particularly under stress, bring our core to the surface.” ~Joe Hoffman Applied to learning to listen- or changing our listening habits.

Joe Hoffman wrote an insightful blog post “Enterprise Values”

In the center of the post Joe said “Our behaviors, particularly under stress, bring our core to the surface.” That simple fact accounts for so many failures. The solution is to over-train. Train until you could do the new procedure in your sleep.

Sea story: In the Navy I was on a Nuclear Sub and we drilled and drilled and drilled and drilled. When I had to perform in real situations like flooding, fire, equipment failures, human errors, or other emergency I rarely made a mistake nor did anyone else. The reason: over-training.

Application to listening: If you and I want to improve our listening skills we need over-train ourselves so when a stressful situation comes up, we perform well. The trick to this is to expect to loose 50% of the skills and knowledge the first few times we need it. In the beginning we need to take extraordinary actions like massive practice. Putting a string on your finger falls into this category.

Application to courageous conversations: The Jan 2010 Compass Coaching Map I choose was Create Courageous Conversations. So, I decided to blog about it during the month and through the rest of Q1. I am still at it. Still finding holes in my skills. Still noticing that sometimes when I need it most (stressful situations) it sometimes vanishes and I revert to previous habits. So, the training continues.

Application to management development: I am becoming convinced that the biggest reason for management training failure is we as management and training managers send people to 8 hours of training and expect it to overshadow 18 years of previous practice of the habit that we want to change.

You can see the Listening Strategies mind map here.

Learn4Life: Create Courageous Conversations 17-20 (linkes to 1-16 in that post)

The Compass map on Courageous Conversations (not the mind map) was developed by Margie Warrell and Soni Pitts.

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Jim Sutton
Facilitating Performance Improvement in the digital age
Web 2.0 Community & Business
About Me Page

Learn4Life: Courageous Conversations: Find the Facts

jimsutton — Wed, 21 Apr 2010 11:44:22 +0000

I have been writing about each of the 8 listening strategies to force me to think about them and keep them fresh in my mind and in my conversations.

Margie Warrell’s eight strategies for listening: You can see the Listening Strategies mind map here.

Today is #3 and #5 They are similar because each focuses on getting facts

#3 Build on the pool of facts: if the person leaves out an important piece of information, ask about it.

#5 Prime when you think there is something they do not feel comfortable sharing, e.g., “I could be off the mark here, but I have a feeling that you aren’t very happy about the recent changes here.”

You can see the Listening Strategies mind map here.

Learn4Life: Create Courageous Conversations 17-20 (linkes to 1-16 in that post)

The Jan 2010 Compass Coaching Map I choose was Create Courageous Conversations. So, I decided to blog about it during the month and through the rest of Q1. This Compass map on Courageous Conversations (not the mind map) was developed by Margie Warrell and Soni Pitts.

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My plug for Compass and Kristy my Coach:

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Jim Sutton
Facilitating Performance Improvement in the digital age
Web 2.0 Community & Business
About Me Page

Learn4Life: Courageous Conversations: Silence

jimsutton — Sat, 17 Apr 2010 11:39:19 +0000

Silence is a source of great strength ~Lao Tzu

Recently, I have been blogging about courageous conversations, a big part of conversations is listening, and one part of listening is silence, the focus of this post.

-Courageous Conversations

—-Listening

——-Silence

The statement from the lesson is: “Don’t fill in the silence. The more emotional the conversation, the more valuable the silence becomes in helping lead the conversation to the heart of the issue.”
“Success doesn’t come to you…you go to it.”Marva Collins seems to contradict the idea of being silent and listening. However Churchhill summed it up well: courage to stand and sit.
I was browsing the tweet stream of @DorothyDalton and found the following over a few days that relate to this idea. My comment is after the “*”.
The smallest change in your attitude will dramatically affect where you will be five years from now. | RT @LorenaHeletea *Little things like just not talking can do a lot
Ever wonder how others perceive you? What Emotions are you Communicating? *Listening can give you great information on this.

rt @CharityIdeas Peace begins with a smile. ~Mother Teresa #quote *Another time when not talking is productive.

What do you call two young married spiders? Newly webs. *A little humor is always welcome.

“You never know when one act, or one word of encouragement can change a life forever.” Zig Ziglar #quote *If you listen, you have a better chance of identifying how you can help most effectively.

“There is always, always, always something to be thankful for.” Unknown #quote *Listen for it!

When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everybody will respect you. ~Lao Tzu *Listening puts this into action.

@Optiongirl: I have just three things to teach: simplicity, patience, compassion. These three are your greatest treasures ~Lao Tzu *Listening is simple, compassionate and put patience into action.

You can see the Listening Strategies mind map here.

Learn4Life: Create Courageous Conversations 17-20 (linkes to 1-16 in that post)

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My plug for Compass and Kristy my Coach:

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Jim Sutton
Facilitating Performance Improvement in the digital age
Web 2.0 Community & Business
About Me Page

Learn4Life: Courageous Conversations: Why Do You Speak?

jimsutton — Sun, 11 Apr 2010 11:33:46 +0000

Speak only to deepen your understanding, not to defend or criticize.

That makes sense. It is simple. Why I don’t we easily succeed? Must be hard.

5 years I would have agreed that it is hard. Now I am more inclined to believe it is simply hard because we are do not understand the process of focusing on understanding.

When the 5 year-old complains a garden is hard to grow, you ask some questions. What do you mean hard? How do you do it? What are you growing? Where? When? You may find that the child is planting potatoes and digging them up every 4 days to see if they are growing and after the progress check putting them pack. The complaint is that the potatoes are hard to grow or are simply broken or bad.

The misunderstandings we have about mental focus are:

-We get started with a focus acquired in childhood. We used that for a while and it becomes a strong habit.

-It takes time and effort to change any habit.

How this applies to “Speak only to deepen your understanding, not to defend or criticize.”

-Situation: I accepted a big dose of defend and criticize planted early in my lives. Early in my life, I abdicated personal responsibility for parts of my life and used defensiveness and criticism in these areas to shift responsibility to others. I then practiced these two habits daily. 30 years later, I decide to should change. The next week I am complaining that it did not work, is hard

-Solution:

– First, understand the situation. Just like walking by a garden and deciding to replace the plants is not enough. Just like a garden, you must choose new plants (habits), plant them (training), care for them by investing time (focused effort for 21 days at least).

–Second, apply the understanding. Choose the habit you want to replace. Decide how you will replace it, how long it will take and what effort you will have to put into it. Now if you are going to put more effort into this area, what are you going to give up: where will the time and effort come from?

–Do it.

You can see the Listening Strategies mind map here.

Learn4Life: Create Courageous Conversations 17-20 (linkes to 1-16 in that post)

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My plug for Compass and Kristy my Coach:

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Jim Sutton
Facilitating Performance Improvement in the digital age
Web 2.0 Community & Business
About Me Page

Learn4Life: Courageous Conversations: What do You Listen for?

jimsutton — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 10:23:46 +0000

Those who look for the bad in people will surely find it. ~ Abraham Lincoln

Most of the situations I have been there is at least 80% good that is easy to find. My problem was I was programmed to look for the 20% or less that went wrong. My antenna was tuned to problems and ignoring success. A plane could fly successfully, with a sober pilot, helpful staff and a comfortable flight and be 20 min late and I would chat about the plane being late and miss the miracle of flight. I handled family and work in a similar manner.

There are times when we need to track the 20% and make is smaller, when we need to notice and address behavior issues—I acknowledge that but don’t overlook all the things that go right.

Listen for what people do right.

Listen for success.

Listen for times people help others

Listen for time people go the extra mile. So they only went an extra 123 feet, but that is something! Acknowledge it. Appreciate it.

Listen for innovation.

Listen for people around you with good memories.

Listen for highly skilled people.

Listen for compassion.

Listen for high IQ.

Listen for good listeners.

Listen for high Emotional Quotient (EQ)

Listen for kindness.

You can see the Listening Strategies mind map here.

Learn4Life: Create Courageous Conversations 17-20 (linkes to 1-16 in that post)

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My plug for Compass and Kristy my Coach:

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Jim Sutton
Facilitating Performance Improvement in the digital age
Web 2.0 Community & Business
About Me Page

Learn4Life: Courageous Conversations: Listen to “see”

jimsutton — Wed, 31 Mar 2010 21:14:59 +0000

Listen to “see” the “whole board” in each important situation in your life.

Fun, challenging, universal: chess is the ultimate learning opportunity for me. I enjoy the tactics trainer because I can do three problems in about five minutes making it a nice break. In the chess tactics trainer last week, frequently I failed because I overlooked a piece on the board. A bishop sitting on the other side of the board for instance that would change the balance of power. In the problem that sparked this post it was a rook sitting on the other side of the board that I overlooked and it made ALL the difference. When I finally saw the rook, it was obvious. How many times in our personal lives, do we listen poorly and not see important parts of the situation that would make all the difference. LISTENING IS CRITICAL

Tips for effective listening:

-Listen for understanding the other person’s story. Just like looking across the whole chessboard is important, getting all of the other person’s story is important. As chess players improve combinations of pieces and move become very important. In the same way, clues, answers to questions and body language become important to effective listeners.

-Ask questions. On the chessboard I don’t ask my opponent what they are up to. I visually scan the board to understand the situation. Be curious. Link to Kim’s post.

-Silence. Leave room for the other person to think and speak. Take a deep breath. Give them time.

You can see the Listening Strategies mind map here.

Learn4Life: Create Courageous Conversations 17-20 (linkes to 1-16 in that post)

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My plug for Compass and Kristy my Coach:

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Jim Sutton
Facilitating Performance Improvement in the digital age
Web 2.0 Community & Business
About Me Page

Learn4Life: Courageous Conversations: Let Go of…

jimsutton — Sat, 27 Mar 2010 10:56:39 +0000

“Being a good listener begins with your decision to let go of your ego and your argument, and commit to understanding where others are coming from.” A little later the map states: “It begins with you…it’s not about them.” (Courageous Conversations Compass Coaching Map)

My goal is to hand the mic to others and listen to their story.

I am currently working on thinking more about noticing the other person’s story. The statement that I should let go of my argument struck me today: it makes room for their story. Make some mental space to put their story.

Do you have any suggestions to understand others story?

You can see the Listening Strategies mind map here.

Learn4Life: Create Courageous Conversations 17-20 (linkes to 1-16 in that post)

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My plug for Compass and Kristy my Coach:

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Jim Sutton
Facilitating Performance Improvement in the digital age
Web 2.0 Community & Business
About Me Page

Learn4Life: Courageous Conversations: The Chess Connection

jimsutton — Thu, 25 Mar 2010 12:42:14 +0000

My name is Jim Sutton and I am a chessaholic. I play every day on chess.com. My user name is “hptchess” if you want to feed my addiction. I have found some interesting life lessons on the chess board.

I am using the tactics trainer (on Chess.com) to improve my ability to see the best moves in various situations. I have found many blind spots in my chess thinking. I make the wrong move and when the answer is shown, I realize how easy it is: I simply had a blind spot. What we don’t know about the people around us is our blind spots and they can create trouble in out life: what we don’t know can hurt us.

Here is the communication connection: when I ask myself what is the other person’s concerns and frame the discussion around understanding the situation from that person’s point of view I am eliminating a blind spot in my relationship thinking with that person. My relationship with that person improves just as my chess skills improve as I eliminate blind spots.

One training event stood out for me. It was my move. I moved the knight and was told it was wrong. Try #2: wrong. Try #3 wrong. There were only 4 possible moves so, try #4 Success! A light bulb turned on in my head as I saw a tactic for the first time. The same is true when we find out more and more about the concerns of others around us. New information leads to better relationships.

You can see the Listening Strategies mind map here.

What questions do you use to get your focus on the other person’s concerns and story?

Learn4Life: Create Courageous Conversations 17-20 (linkes to 1-16 in that post)

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My plug for Compass and Kristy my Coach:

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Jim Sutton
Facilitating Performance Improvement in the digital age
Web 2.0 Community & Business
About Me Page

Learn4Life: Courageous Conversations: Concerns overlooked

jimsutton — Sat, 20 Mar 2010 03:38:59 +0000

Post inspiration: How I tend to frame my response from my concerns.

It takes 21 days or about a month to replace one habit with another. I have been working on and blogging about being a better communicator and the one area I am concentrating on now is understanding others concerns before I say or do anything. I tend, like most, to think of things from my point of view. To counter this and replace the old habit with the new, I have been mentally reviewing in my head, the concerns of important people in my life.

The concerns of others are conversational road signs. Look for them in conversions just as you do when driving.

What are the concerns of my daughter? How does she see the education? Cell phones? Food? Boys? Music?
What are my wife’s priorities today?
What is my boss concerned with? How does he see the current project we are working on?
My neighbor?
How do co-workers see the company? I am the training coordinator for Mirant and I want to be sure I am looking at learning events from their eyes. For me it is the center of my world. For them, I am one more request to try to fit on the limited calendar real estate.

When I think about the concerns of others, I see it more as point of view: their interests in this situation.

You can see the Listening Strategies mind map here.

Do you know any other good blog posts on the topic of listening for concerns?

Learn4Life: Create Courageous Conversations 17-20 (linkes to 1-16 in that post)

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My plug for Compass and Kristy my Coach:

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Jim Sutton
Facilitating Performance Improvement in the digital age
Web 2.0 Community & Business
About Me Page

Learn4Life: Courageous Conversations. “Concern Branch” Expansion on Map

jimsutton — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 17:11:30 +0000

Post inspiration: The Jan 2010 Compass Coaching Map I choose was Create Courageous Conversations. So, I decided to blog about it during the month and through the rest of Q1. This map (not the mind map) was developed by Margie Warrell and Soni Pitts.

I have been expanding a mind map on the 8 listening startegies discussed in the Courageous Conversations program. I added 2 relevant blog posts to the “Concerns” branch. They are titled “The two most important roles in communication.” and ”Are you listening? Can you pass the test?” To follow the links in the map click on the world icon. Both of these post come from Kim Leatherdale’s excellent Creating Rewarding Relationships blog.

You can see the map here.

Do you know any other good blog posts on the topic of listening for concerns?

Learn4Life: Create Courageous Conversations 17-20 (linkes to 1-16 in that post)

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My plug for Compass and Kristy my Coach:

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Jim Sutton
Facilitating Performance Improvement in the digital age
Virtual World LightHouse
Web 2.0 Community & Business
About Me Page