Learn4Life:LISTENING Strategy#2 Understand
Post inspiration: The Jan 2010 Compass Coaching Map I choose was Create Courageous Conversations. So, I decided to blog about it during the month and through the rest of Q1. 
This map was developed by Margie Warrell and Soni Pitts.
The listening Strategy Rating has 8 statements for you to rate your listening skills.
#2 Speak only to deepen your understanding, not to defend or criticize.
Rate yourself on the above question: 1-2-3-4-5
Look at the picture below. It is how some relate to other people: I have my beliefs and a mote around them. I am right. You are wrong.
This really does not do much beyond putting an emotional mote between you and others as real as the mote around a castle. My friend Kim Leatherdale wrote a blog post addressing understanding ina conversation. She said, “…truly put yourself at the other person’s service when you listen. Focus on them, what they are expressing, and what they need. Practice paraphrasing to make sure you understood correctly. Move toward repair with each interaction.” You can read the post Do you hear what I hear? Understanding.
Let down the drawbridge by being curious. Walk out and see what concerns others. Visit Kim Leatherdale’s blog post for more useful suggestions: Relationship Resolution #6- Be Curious rather than Confrontative
My friend Laura Sherman in a blog post titled The importance of research makes the point that writers need to do their research to do good writing. As I read it I thought, “It is exactly the same with understanding another person: we have to do good research to do good listening.” You need to ask them questions. Verify understanding and generally turn over the big rocks in the area
Memory Peg: Two is a zoo. Because I am using my left thumb, I picture a monkey on my thumb
(use your imagination to move the monkey to the left thumb) and we look into each others eyes and I think, “I can understand you.” She thinks, “Bozo.” 
You could use zoo map 
or a picture of some animals 
. The key is to connect UNDERSTANDING to your picture so you can remember one is a bun (concerns) and two is a zoo (understanding) and each time the picture associated with each pulls the information from your memory instantly. And it is fun.
Links to other Strategies:
LISTENING Strategy #1 Concerns
Learn4Life: Create Courageous Conversations 17-20 (linkes to 1-16 in that post)
Comment Suggestions:
-Do you have a tip for getting to understanding quicker?
-In really emotional situations, what is the best questions to ask to get to understanding?
——-
My plug for Compass and Kristy my Coach:
Kristi Arndt, PhD, IAC-CC
Compass Presidential Ambassador & Founding Team Coach
kristiarndt@yahoo.com
Experience the Gift of Compass
www.ilovecompass.com
Affordable Life Coaching Programs
www.compassclient.com
Rewarding Business Opportunity
www.compassrep.com
—-
Jim Sutton
Facilitating understanding in the digital age
Virtual World LightHouse
Web 2.0 Community & Business
About Me Page
February 8th, 2010 at 00:47
” Speak only to deepen your understanding, not to defend or criticize.”
I agree! Sure wish it were as easy to do as it is to agree it’s important to do.
I’ve been training my inner ear to hear the tone of voice and language of my defender and critic. The first step in that training is to become aware when I’m being defensive or criticizing.
Next is to accept with love, grace, and equanimity that I was just doing that which I wish to change.
Then I can adjust my thinking and feeling as well as what I say and do.
And I need to be willing to do this over and over and over again until I’ve developed a new habit.
Good news! Becoming a better communicator will enrich all relationships and all aspects of your personal and professional life.
The Energizer Bonnie
February 9th, 2010 at 12:19
Thanks for stopping by. I enjoy your commnets. The part I think many people miss it the amount of time it takes to change a habit. That is why I am focusing on conversations for a whole quater.
There are also the conversations you have with yourself:
The most influential person who will talk to you today is you, so be very careful what you say to you!~ Zig Ziglar
Jim
February 9th, 2010 at 15:45
Jim,
Thanks for quoting me!
I was speaking to a friend at a Superbowl party and he shared how people have different ways of “seeing” things. He was saying, like learning styles, people also talk about things using their type/style. So, if you are visual, you’ll talk in more visual terms, if auditory- hearing terms, etc. Made me wonder how we cross into each others’ realms when we use our own most frequently.
Guess it means learning to at least hear, if not speak, other “languages” based on learning types. Use the whole sensoria to listen.
You always use humor on my blog, so here’s my pun on communication: *The jeweler pinned his hopes on broaching the argument first*
Kim L
February 10th, 2010 at 20:48
Kim,
Thanks for the pun. I will add it to my list. You are correct about hearing other “languages.” All this blogging about communication has made me much more aware of this… and that was the purpose. Your post:Relationship Resolution #6- Be Curious rather than Confrontive helped me find a new way to approach some of the confrontive conversations… curious did not occur to me, but it helps me actionize withholding judgment.
And in the line of thinking about what you say and being curious about what others really mean:
Newspaper Bloopers:The women included their husbands and their children in their potluck suppers.